The End of the 47th Trip Around The Sun

Today's my birthday. 

I turned 47 today, and I'm still here to celebrate it. I still have my health (aside from the usual allergies and the occasional back pain, I wasn't too sick this past year). I still find myself writing, drawing, and creating things on a daily basis. If anything, this past year was one of my most creative periods in a long, long time. 

I find myself constantly learning things about the world and still get inspired by it. And despite feeling a bit lost at times and dejected of the state of the world, especially in this country I still kind of tolerate (can't really say love because that's a pretty loaded word, and it's kind of hard to feel that way about a place that has people that wish you ill will because you were born a different color than than), I'm still here.

I'm another year older, another year wiser, a bit more hardened, a bit humbled, and a lot more contemplative about life. I'm closer to 60 than I am 30, and I'm okay with that. I'm just hoping I'll get the opportunity to reach the age of 60, but I'll be just as celebratory if I reach 48. I know a lot of people who never reached 47. I know an uncomfortable amount who didn't even reach 40. 

My angel would have been 40 this year, but I lost her three years ago this week. That loss still leaves me a bit empty. The pain of losing her still hurts, but it's becoming a tender sore rather than a gaping wound. Again, it still hurts from time to time. I suppose when you lose someone you felt was the love of your life, it would do that. That's probably why that pain is still there.

I find myself in a reflective yet melancholy mood today. I'm not as angry as I used to be when I was younger because I feel that emotion will drain you mentally. I'm tired yet oddly at ease. It's a weird feeling that I'm not used to having. I think worrying about things I have no control over is becoming more of chore than it should be. 

I decided to be still, find inner peace, and remain calm.

There were better ways to use my time on this small blue rock than worrying, panicking, and making myself depressed. 

What's the saying, "Create the things you wish existed?" Well, that's why I still write, draw, and design things I want to see and stories I want to read myself. I still create and keep creating. 

As I begin my 48th trip around the sun, I no longer anticipate things happening to me and my closest family and friends. I no longer look forward to media that's probably coming out because these big media companies are ran by morons who would scrap a project with no hesitation. I no longer have trust or faith in those who lead this country because they are all corrupted. The only things that truly concern me are the safety, financial security, and health of my family and friends, even though I'm, sadly, in no position to offer nothing but moral and emotional support.

I can't worry about the future. 

I refuse to.

It's nice to wish for things to happen. Hope and optimism are not lost on me, and I still have those in droves. And I still remain kind because despite what those in power will tell you, kindness is not a weakness.

Because the future is, and has always been, uncertain, unwritten, and a mystery. For the first time in my life, I'm staring into the void unprepared for what's next yet totally unafraid.  And I'm fine with that, almost happily excited about what will happen.

I think I'm ready for this new solar revolution.

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