Nov 27, 2007

Good-Bye (For Now)

I'm leaving Thoughtnami, The X Bridge, and the forums for a while.

I'll be back, but I need to take some time out for a while. Probably next year or so. It doesn't matter. I don't think I'll be missed around these parts. And if I am, they'll get over it.

I've undergoing many emotions now. I'm having problems at home. My grandfather's health has taken a turn for the worse. His already small frame continues to deteriorate from his cancer, almost turning him skeletal. Now, he's at the point that he can't really eat much and just lays down all day long. I'm seeing my grandfather die right before my eyes, and the sad thing is waiting for the end. I've been his primary caregiver ever since I graduated from college. I know my family said I could do but so much, but I feel I could have done more for him. It's almost like I'm failing my grandfather every day.

I'm depressed and lacking focus on just about everything. At times, it feels like I'm only being negative. The last couple of posts I've made around here have either been complaining about the state of the world or wishing what I wanted to see but will never be, thus depressing me all over again. Must be a masochist or something. But seriously, the only thing that comes from complaining is more complaining. When change does come, it only occurs when there's a universal consensus that it must come, and that's rarer than a green cardinal.

There's a time when you have to look back and see what you've done, see how people see you, see who your real friends are, see what kind of impact and legacy you'll leave behind. I've done that. Some things I'm very proud of. I'm proud of Thoughtnami and The X Bridge and some of the things I've brought to the forefront. Some things I'm not very proud of. I know I could have handled the Revolution Board situation better, even though part of that was completely out of my hand, and the fact that I've ruined a couple of friendships and alliances still bugs me to this day (and if I haven't said it enough, I'm still sorry about what went down, SC and Patrick).

Some people see me as a good guy, but I'm no saint. Some people see me as the devil incarnate, but I'm not that bad. People tend to think I'm blind to whenever people use my name in a pejorative state. There's an ass who even posed as me on the Adult Swim boards making it seem like I'm posting moronic things there. People see me as a joke, and I'm sick of it.

I have a few people I try to contact online, but I don't have any real friends. Acquaintances, yes, but no friends. Not in the real world either. I'm supposed to be a part of a team at Toon Zone. I love them all, but sometimes, I feel like I'm still by myself. Maybe it's my own doing, being so cold and distant, but sometimes, I feel like my input isn't necessary to the overall scheme. I doubt that I left a significant impact there or my own sites, and my legacy is basically me whining and complaining about stuff I have no control over, and those that do have control over them don't want any part of me at all. Not really nothing I'd like to be remembered for.

I need to do something with my life. I want to create something that lasts longer than I do. This website is nice, but I don't want my obituary to just say "he was a webmaster of a once-popular fansite." I want to find a real place in this world, not a virtual place which I have done. I want to find myself doing something that means something. Some people find what I've done here has impacted a few, but I don't want The X Bridge or Thoughtnami to define me, my legacy, and who I am.

That's why I have to take some time off for a while. I'll return one day. Don't know when that day will be, but it'll be sooner rather than later. I need to find myself, clear my head of doubt, frustration, and uncertainty. I need to spend more time with my grandfather while I still can. The world changes, and I feel I need to change with it. I need to see if I could find a creative side that isn't limited to rantings on a webpage. I need to grow up. I want to find love, start a family, become a dad, teach my kids everything I know and every lesson I learned in life the hard way. That could be my legacy.

I'll be back. This isn't the end by any shot. This is only good-bye for now. Thank you so much for letting me be a small part of your travels on this web.


Daikun said...

I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. Reading that paragraph made me feel the same way when my grandfather passed away two years ago from Alzheimer's. He gradually weakened for several months, then died peacefully in his hospital bed. It's sad, but it's unavoidable. It was hard for me to let go.

I hope you get over your depression soon...sooner than the time it took me.

Andrew said...

I pray your grandfather regains his health. It's very hard to lose a loved one.

You say you don't think you'll be missed but you're dead wrong. I know I'll miss ya and I wont be the only one. But take care. There's more to life than the trivial things we like to do to pass the time. You've fought the good fight plenty long.

Robert Peterson said...

I'm very sorry to hear this. My grandfather died when I was young so I know what it feels like. I wish you the best of luck and you will be missed. Take as long as you have to, we can wait.

Melon which rhymes with said...

You're a great grandson. I'm sure he appreciates what you have done for him.

And your complaints are justified. The world is wacky and scary so it's good to try talk about it. Don't worry about any legacy. You will leave behind wonderful memories with the people you love. Being in an art history book is overrated :p

To me drawing and comics are therapeutic. When you're comfortable, you can put your life experience in a comic. It relieves the pain you keep inside.

I hope you feel better.

VWG said...

First of all, I'm sure you have done all that you could do for your Grandpa. Doing the best that you can do is doing everything. I know it hurts to watch others suffer while you can do nothing about it. But you need to remember that you are no superhero. People build themselves up too much in their heads, making themselves think they can do more than they really can. Just the fact that you were there for him is more than many other grandchildren can say. You can not beat yourself up over this, you are not the one to blame.

As for legacy, I do find that admirable. Doing something that helps, even if it's just a small group of people, is always good. But don't say you're not already inspiring. I've followed CN2/CNX/ X Bridge since 98. Reading your opinions on the animation industry has made me want to help change it and make it awesome again. It has also helped me want to get my series out there, animated shows that make people think about society. ..I just wanted you to know you are not the only one who thought cartoons could be more than just kids shows and comedies...

If you ever need someone to talk to, you can certainly contact me. Talking helps break through the sadness. You are not alone out there, ok?

E.A. said...

First of all, Jeff, I cannot let you off the hook for saying that your very serious work in improving the state of animation is "not much of a legacy". People past and present have been praised like gods for accomplishing much less than you have, and that kind of fame sickens me.

Your legacy lies with your READERS. Your readers will ALWAYS remember CNX, The Bridge, Watch This Space, etc. Reading your thoughts, your initiatives have become ALL BUT RITUAL for me day in, day out and I am almost always frustrated by your lack of updates. But I understand why you update as infrequently as you do, because you have someone who, simply put, needs you more than we do.

Your grandfather, if he was of a condition to speak to you, would want you to continue. If he loves you. This is obviously your passion we're talking about here, not just some thing you do to while some time away. THIS MEANS SOMETHING, and it's something I can't quite quantify in terms of readership or hits or web traffic or even page views because that kind of info is INACCESSIBLE to me. Understand this. I DON'T EVEN HAVE AN ASS TO MOCK ME ON AN INTERNET FORUM!

You're famous enough that people on several continents have heard your voice. Some have even done something about it. If nothing else, your writings have and continue to make YOUNG SURFERS THINK about what they're watching, why they're watching it, and how they can make the creators of the crap they're watching know their feelings about the creation.

Besides building a multimillion-dollar R&D facility for your grandfather, there's relatively little you can do for him, aside from what you have already done for him. I don't know your situation, apart from what you wrote about it--but if it has changed for the worse, logic tells me that your very best efforts wouldn't get you that much closer towards turning this particular predicament around.

Jeff, normally your curmudgeonly attitude would be a minus, but it's a plus in this situation. Things can be better. If you stop writing, the rate of improvement will diminish. We all have periods of frustration. When we stop doing what we need to do to advance our cause(s), this is when our cause LOSES. This is when the animators lose. This is when I LOSE.

I know you'll come back to us. In the meantime, know that I won't quit posting on this blog until I know you intend to update WTS and The Bridge. Don't let us go. Don't forget about animation. If you need support, I'll put something together, if I can. But don't let this fall apart, this X-Bridge/Thoughtnami/comics endeavor you've got going for us. Don't leave us. Stay with your grandfather and do your best to make his remaining time on this planet peaceful, at least palatable. But don't forget about us. Don't feel as though you don't have a legacy. Bullshit. My oldest sister's baby is coming in a few months and do you know what I'm going to read to him/her? Your writings (among other things).

Don't do this to us, don't forget about your accomplishments. Don't leave us. Don't leave animation like this.

Don't leave us.


Patrick said...

Im am not suprised, not shocked, and non plussed about the whole matter.

Tupac is right again. Tupac stated in a interview back in 94, that in some way and some how, when a black man turns 30 years old in the US, that something or what have you takes the soul and spirit right out of them.

Jeff, youre 30.

Just like clock work. Thats why i say im not shocked.

But said it again in one of my entries, i rather commit sucide before I would ever say such things or leave this work that needs to be done.

Lets make it clear, YOU gets to see his grandfather. I in the other hand have NEVER seen ANY of my grandparents. My Grandmother and her peers formed the rock that kept my father, British, high class, high standerds. My grandfather was one of several Blacks that studied Engeenering in Norway in the 1930's...because of his smarts and talent, he never had ONE DAY of peace. My other Grandfather was a Giant among the men he worked with. Both men have passed on. I am PISSED off i never see that era of greatness. But yet Jeff Complains, that his grandfather is dying before him and there is nothing he can do. There always has been one! LIVE your life man. You cant do that when your BOSSES at toonzone are getting married around you and you still worried about your Grandpa. YOU have DONE ENOUGH. IT isnt YOUR FAULT.

Thats the only good thing I can say about this isnt your fault.

But now about this legacy your trying to build or find. Lets put it in real simple terms, your a breeder. (its a derotory term for hetrosexual males from those that are homosexual, but im streight and use this term in this sense) your only ment to have kids and wife and thats the legacy you have. For the majority of human beings, this is all they can hope for. For some, they are not destended to have such things, and others do not want these things.

I in the other hand realize i have a compleatly diffrent line i must cross, and no other might join on this line, because if others join, it isnt the right one, and must change. You have very western consepts about Karma and Dharma, which you used in proving your points about animation, but now they need to be looked again in this sense. You know now that CN is changing, but into trying to hope for the best, you create a article hoping for a new Cartoon Network when the first one has falling into disarray.

Its real simple why things are going in this direction. The whole metaoina and meme of the Animation, lo- the whole Entertainment Industry is contracting back to pre1981-1988 levels...You can say in some sense, its contracting back to 1950's era memes, but with 1968's wanderlust. (In some ways, most american film has never gone beyond "Its A Wonderfull Life" and the few that do, mostly in Sci-Fi, have been treated with distain until recently)

The consept of Art and Theater, and in turn Movies, and Animation is an anthema to many americans. You havent read the aspects of american life like I have. Its almost become sad in in a way, because if you wernt so plantation minded, the Inner Circle would have become the new PAX, or the new San Diego Comic Con. Its one thing to see Amid Amidi become more succesfull than YOU CAN EVER HOPE OF BECOMING, its another thing when he works with Jerry Beck, who- if it wasnt for John Layford and the Pedofiles over at AD-Vision was just 3 years away from becoming the people that took anime from the ghettos (that they, the anime community are still in as much as 4Kids tried to get them out of it) and into the high class (not mainstream, HIGH CLASS, theres a diffrence between Mainstream, HIGH Class, and Art House Egotism).

Now, Jeff- were are all suffering, a loss of soul, a loss of idenity and a lost of self-worth. There are some men today, who because there birthright (i.e. working hard since high school to become one partiular enity) were stolen from them because of racial quotas, who want NOTHING more than our self distruction, and we played a part of it because we wanted "THEIR" Life, but refused to live OUR OWN LIFES. See how the community loses there homes. See how the ladies of this same community are treated by others. "I Say I was KING" gets arrested for protecting his family (and yes, it was wrong for him to get those weapons) but yet a kid, who had a rough childhood grows up, plays football, gets out of the ghetto, hires others to help them out...and...gets killed by those people they are trying to help? I say a pox on a community that lets this dont need them- all you need is your loyality to yourself.

There are some men today, that blame one set of humanity for ALL of the troubles of the world. Some might have meritable cases. But how are they gonna solve this? Are they gonna have to retell history? Try and go with there plans and then stop them last second? The infection that has humanity is in all of us. I do supect that this "infection" is in one group of humanity more than others, but thats because thats where the infection STARTED and not because they wanted to be infected. This infection is explained in Ponologry (the study of evil) and explains a whole lot of things that only certian animated series care to discuss.

And there are many men today, so fucked in the head, forced to become skinny/muscle bound/penile centered maniqins to fat inusiha fanchicks, skinny whores, and the worst part, there own wifes, that the nation has become pre-Blade Runner of the worst kind. See, you cant make or have friends that have handles like "sexyinishuagrrl83" or "VegitaMan25"... they wouldnt even know what a cadaviar is from a charlatan. Or names like, Twakisa or T-Money... what kinda of shit is modern humanity pulling? And yet, many of us fall for these traps because we need to feel, we need to emission our power to there sick twisted wims again and again. We dont feel up to the task, they find somebody else. We call this, the celebration of courtship.

These things are what you and I face. But as for me, there is no we. You feel the depression that you are not as famous as Penny Arcade or Amid Amidi? DEAL with it. You had youre chance and you blew it, NOT ME. You feel negative about your work and projects? deal with that, nothing to do with me. So dont put my name in your aplogies Jeff. Im a engima. Only those that I care for (and care is a loaded word in this nation of ours, so look for the german meaing of the word sometime Jeff, and maybe you can understand what i mean by CARE) Not that your the devil incarnate, you deal with people who could care less if your Grandfather lived or died, or the same with you. As long as Bewkes and his gang of faggots get there money, they can can diss the writers, diss the animators, diss the kids and make them prostatots for Miss Hilton to parade around...and Disney doesnt care about Morals anymore because the more they see Hudgens bared all, they get the CASH!

This is the dream that those after Disney past away, had- to finally create the cespool of darkness covered in light and beauty, light with no shade, beauty without pressure (i.e. how a diamond is formed). They have reach the perfect meld of it...and sold it as High School Musical Two. Singing without a theme, laughter without point- all the good things that made friends great pakaged into a 97 min blockbuster. Yet all the great works, from Tolkien, Master Lewis, Miller, Jones and countless others, and we have not changed as a people and as a humanity...and I wonder why do any others try?

Jeff, you have no legacy...other than to what some...future wife and 2.3 kids you gonna have to give them to...but maybe she might be more like- "chosen" for you by the community that doesnt care us, in jail rotting for crimes we did commit and some we didnt and some looking for a job to keep us busy while the whole nation is dying around us.

Our Grandfathers spoke the truth, said the truth and walked the truth every damn moment of there lives, and THATS where your issue is where you could have done more for him.

But I have a legacy, Jeff...want to hear it?

My Legacy, is where i will never be poor a day in my life. It doesnt have to show in a montary form, it shows in the INNER riches of the heart, something NO MAN or Woman will ever take away from ME.

My Legacy is where I dont encroch on a another mans birthright because of some quota. Even if the man that claims the birthright doesnt deserve it...BUT nobody encroches on what I EARN and made for myself!

My Legacy, is to any woman deemed to be worthy to HERSELF first before worthiness to me, that she will be treated as a human being treats another human being, with honor, justice, truth and loyalty.

My Legacy, is for those animatiors who made me into an animation fan, and there names never to be forgotten as long as i stand breathing on earth, in a world that has forgotten to tie there own shoelaces.

My Legacy, is to this country, that even though im born a citizien by birth (and not by parentage) that I OWE this country back somehow, if nessarly, my life. But realizes that it is starting to die and its documents needs to be taken to heart and one man cannot destroy the truth and the honesty that made the USA, the example.

My Legacy, is to a site, the shadowness- who when you and your "friends" as you know called them, called me a lier, a fool and all the rest- took me in and called me brother.

My Legacy is to Christ, and what He Really Means to all of us.

My Legacy, is my loyality to myself. Because if i dont have that, im nothing more than a tool for the corprations to use me, mock me and treat me as a slave to there game. Once thats done, you will do what they tell you and you will have that "Folgers Coffee" family...but another dead soul. And the man upstairs isnt liking it one bit.

Welcome to reality Jeff. You are tired of yourself and need somebody else to complete you, so you can indoctronate your kids, where you couldent tell the truth to the masses that didnt want to hear. I seen it all and its too damn easy. Thats why i will never fall for it.

I rather die before that happens.

Maybe you can change...but i have my doubts. Its good to have them...

Otherwise...have a better life. I know im trying to.

Jeff Harris said...

And today, I smile.

Daikun, Andrew, Robert, Ellen, VWG, Enoch. I thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I know I don't deserve that much praise, but I'm thankful for that and for you all for dealing with me in this brief episode of self-doubt.

Patrick. Patrick, Patrick, Patrick. Ronin, Ronixis, Novid, whatever. I thank you for your thoughts as well. You're everything I strive not to be, and you've pretty much reawakened me, and I thank you.


Because in your own fashion, you succeeded in showing who you really are, and for that, I smile. You've pretty much knocked me down when I was already at my lowest point. I apologized for what I've done to you for the umpteenth time, and what did you do Patrick?

You act like the southern end of a northward bound moose. You spit out diatribes like they were sunflower seed shells, and they're just as disgusting to look at. You're full of self-hate, self-loathing, and self-disgust. Me? I'm full of self-doubt, but the more I look at myself, what I have done in my nearly three decades in this existance, I've accomplished a lot. It took me a while to see that, but I can see that, and for that, I smile.

Patrick, unlike yourself, I don't hate my race, or, in my case, the race that determined my pigmentation (my paternal side is the decendants of Africans, Greeks, Powhattan, Dutch, and German while my maternal side, which includes my grandfather, is decended from English, West Indians, West African, Irish, Seminole, and Scots). They are who they are, and I am who I am. Although I am aware of the past (I am a descendant of slaves AND slaveowners), I am not guilted nor locked by it. I've formed my own path, walked along many directions, crossed many bridges, and discovered many things along the way.

I am human. I make good decisions and bad ones. I've made a lot of good choices. I've made a lot of bad ones as well. I trusted too many people (I even trusted you a lifetime ago, I truly did, but you used an alias to publicly call me a half-breed and other derogatory names and continue to hide behind monikers to make libelous statements about me and the individuals I associate with; I grew up and stop hiding behind false names a long time ago) and made just as many foes as acquaintances. I've earned the respect of many individuals over the years, including Mr. Beck AND Mr. Amidi, who you've name-dropped in your post, Patrick. I'm not a name-dropper, but I do have a number of animation icons in my address book that could fill a who's who in animation.

I'm not a slave to anybody. I have the right and freedom to talk about anybody I can. Nobody's my boss, as you've claimed. I've made my own path and will continue to do so. I've lived a good, honest life and never got on anybody's bad side. I believe in the golden rule and I live a good life as a result. I've sacrificed a lot in this life, and I know God sees this and He appreciates this. Have you ever sacrificed anything, Patrick? I've sacrificed over five years of my life taking care of my grandfather when no one else would. The careworkers of America are the most underappreciated individuals though they truly do a lot. You know how you can repay your country? SERVE IT IN THE MILITARY!

I apologize for past actions that I regret because I am ashamed that I've done that. I don't apologize because I'm hoping to get an acceptance, because in your case, Patrick, acceptance will never come.

I have started a legacy, as people have already pointed out. Patrick, I think that, in the end, you hate me (let's face it, you hate me for petty, childish reasons, and that's okay. I don't hate you. I never had, and I never will).

And here are some of the reasons why you hate me.

I've created a community of like-minded fans with the help of my friends which became a part of a larger community I've helped build. I've created a pair of sites that some people say is inspiring to them. I just write down what I'm thinking, and if people agree with it, so be it. I've earned a loyal group of readers who understand what I'm going through and will likely stick around long enough to see what happens next. I've helped create a group that educated the world about an then-underappreciated block of shows created by our generation. Yes, I know Toonami has suffered lately, but we've done our part. It's time to remind them we're still around. One day, I'll create a legacy, settling down, create a family, and truly grow up. I've grown a lot over the years, but these last couple of weeks have been taxing on me. But I know who I am. I know what I have to do. I know what I'm going to do. You don't have that confidence nor sense of certainty about yourself, which is why you constantly berate me, try to humiliate me, and try to knock me down, even when I thought I was already out.

In the end, I win. I've already won. I could disappear from the internet forever, but I've already won. I've done more in the last ten years than many folks do in a lifetime. I'm not proud of everything I've done, but there are moments I look and say, wow, I did that. I could look back at 99% of what I've done with pride. I already know God has forgiven me for the things I regret and have apologized for.

And for that, I smile. And I will be back sooner than I thought.