Good-Bye (For Now)
I'm leaving Thoughtnami, The X Bridge, and the forums for a while.
I'll be back, but I need to take some time out for a while. Probably next year or so. It doesn't matter. I don't think I'll be missed around these parts. And if I am, they'll get over it.
I've undergoing many emotions now. I'm having problems at home. My grandfather's health has taken a turn for the worse. His already small frame continues to deteriorate from his cancer, almost turning him skeletal. Now, he's at the point that he can't really eat much and just lays down all day long. I'm seeing my grandfather die right before my eyes, and the sad thing is waiting for the end. I've been his primary caregiver ever since I graduated from college. I know my family said I could do but so much, but I feel I could have done more for him. It's almost like I'm failing my grandfather every day.
I'm depressed and lacking focus on just about everything. At times, it feels like I'm only being negative. The last couple of posts I've made around here have either been complaining about the state of the world or wishing what I wanted to see but will never be, thus depressing me all over again. Must be a masochist or something. But seriously, the only thing that comes from complaining is more complaining. When change does come, it only occurs when there's a universal consensus that it must come, and that's rarer than a green cardinal.
There's a time when you have to look back and see what you've done, see how people see you, see who your real friends are, see what kind of impact and legacy you'll leave behind. I've done that. Some things I'm very proud of. I'm proud of Thoughtnami and The X Bridge and some of the things I've brought to the forefront. Some things I'm not very proud of. I know I could have handled the Revolution Board situation better, even though part of that was completely out of my hand, and the fact that I've ruined a couple of friendships and alliances still bugs me to this day (and if I haven't said it enough, I'm still sorry about what went down, SC and Patrick).
Some people see me as a good guy, but I'm no saint. Some people see me as the devil incarnate, but I'm not that bad. People tend to think I'm blind to whenever people use my name in a pejorative state. There's an ass who even posed as me on the Adult Swim boards making it seem like I'm posting moronic things there. People see me as a joke, and I'm sick of it.
I have a few people I try to contact online, but I don't have any real friends. Acquaintances, yes, but no friends. Not in the real world either. I'm supposed to be a part of a team at Toon Zone. I love them all, but sometimes, I feel like I'm still by myself. Maybe it's my own doing, being so cold and distant, but sometimes, I feel like my input isn't necessary to the overall scheme. I doubt that I left a significant impact there or my own sites, and my legacy is basically me whining and complaining about stuff I have no control over, and those that do have control over them don't want any part of me at all. Not really nothing I'd like to be remembered for.
I need to do something with my life. I want to create something that lasts longer than I do. This website is nice, but I don't want my obituary to just say "he was a webmaster of a once-popular fansite." I want to find a real place in this world, not a virtual place which I have done. I want to find myself doing something that means something. Some people find what I've done here has impacted a few, but I don't want The X Bridge or Thoughtnami to define me, my legacy, and who I am.
That's why I have to take some time off for a while. I'll return one day. Don't know when that day will be, but it'll be sooner rather than later. I need to find myself, clear my head of doubt, frustration, and uncertainty. I need to spend more time with my grandfather while I still can. The world changes, and I feel I need to change with it. I need to see if I could find a creative side that isn't limited to rantings on a webpage. I need to grow up. I want to find love, start a family, become a dad, teach my kids everything I know and every lesson I learned in life the hard way. That could be my legacy.
I'll be back. This isn't the end by any shot. This is only good-bye for now. Thank you so much for letting me be a small part of your travels on this web.
I'll be back, but I need to take some time out for a while. Probably next year or so. It doesn't matter. I don't think I'll be missed around these parts. And if I am, they'll get over it.
I've undergoing many emotions now. I'm having problems at home. My grandfather's health has taken a turn for the worse. His already small frame continues to deteriorate from his cancer, almost turning him skeletal. Now, he's at the point that he can't really eat much and just lays down all day long. I'm seeing my grandfather die right before my eyes, and the sad thing is waiting for the end. I've been his primary caregiver ever since I graduated from college. I know my family said I could do but so much, but I feel I could have done more for him. It's almost like I'm failing my grandfather every day.
I'm depressed and lacking focus on just about everything. At times, it feels like I'm only being negative. The last couple of posts I've made around here have either been complaining about the state of the world or wishing what I wanted to see but will never be, thus depressing me all over again. Must be a masochist or something. But seriously, the only thing that comes from complaining is more complaining. When change does come, it only occurs when there's a universal consensus that it must come, and that's rarer than a green cardinal.
There's a time when you have to look back and see what you've done, see how people see you, see who your real friends are, see what kind of impact and legacy you'll leave behind. I've done that. Some things I'm very proud of. I'm proud of Thoughtnami and The X Bridge and some of the things I've brought to the forefront. Some things I'm not very proud of. I know I could have handled the Revolution Board situation better, even though part of that was completely out of my hand, and the fact that I've ruined a couple of friendships and alliances still bugs me to this day (and if I haven't said it enough, I'm still sorry about what went down, SC and Patrick).
Some people see me as a good guy, but I'm no saint. Some people see me as the devil incarnate, but I'm not that bad. People tend to think I'm blind to whenever people use my name in a pejorative state. There's an ass who even posed as me on the Adult Swim boards making it seem like I'm posting moronic things there. People see me as a joke, and I'm sick of it.
I have a few people I try to contact online, but I don't have any real friends. Acquaintances, yes, but no friends. Not in the real world either. I'm supposed to be a part of a team at Toon Zone. I love them all, but sometimes, I feel like I'm still by myself. Maybe it's my own doing, being so cold and distant, but sometimes, I feel like my input isn't necessary to the overall scheme. I doubt that I left a significant impact there or my own sites, and my legacy is basically me whining and complaining about stuff I have no control over, and those that do have control over them don't want any part of me at all. Not really nothing I'd like to be remembered for.
I need to do something with my life. I want to create something that lasts longer than I do. This website is nice, but I don't want my obituary to just say "he was a webmaster of a once-popular fansite." I want to find a real place in this world, not a virtual place which I have done. I want to find myself doing something that means something. Some people find what I've done here has impacted a few, but I don't want The X Bridge or Thoughtnami to define me, my legacy, and who I am.
That's why I have to take some time off for a while. I'll return one day. Don't know when that day will be, but it'll be sooner rather than later. I need to find myself, clear my head of doubt, frustration, and uncertainty. I need to spend more time with my grandfather while I still can. The world changes, and I feel I need to change with it. I need to see if I could find a creative side that isn't limited to rantings on a webpage. I need to grow up. I want to find love, start a family, become a dad, teach my kids everything I know and every lesson I learned in life the hard way. That could be my legacy.
I'll be back. This isn't the end by any shot. This is only good-bye for now. Thank you so much for letting me be a small part of your travels on this web.
Comments
I hope you get over your depression soon...sooner than the time it took me.
You say you don't think you'll be missed but you're dead wrong. I know I'll miss ya and I wont be the only one. But take care. There's more to life than the trivial things we like to do to pass the time. You've fought the good fight plenty long.
And your complaints are justified. The world is wacky and scary so it's good to try talk about it. Don't worry about any legacy. You will leave behind wonderful memories with the people you love. Being in an art history book is overrated :p
To me drawing and comics are therapeutic. When you're comfortable, you can put your life experience in a comic. It relieves the pain you keep inside.
I hope you feel better.
As for legacy, I do find that admirable. Doing something that helps, even if it's just a small group of people, is always good. But don't say you're not already inspiring. I've followed CN2/CNX/ X Bridge since 98. Reading your opinions on the animation industry has made me want to help change it and make it awesome again. It has also helped me want to get my series out there, animated shows that make people think about society. ..I just wanted you to know you are not the only one who thought cartoons could be more than just kids shows and comedies...
If you ever need someone to talk to, you can certainly contact me. Talking helps break through the sadness. You are not alone out there, ok?
Your legacy lies with your READERS. Your readers will ALWAYS remember CNX, The Bridge, Watch This Space, etc. Reading your thoughts, your initiatives have become ALL BUT RITUAL for me day in, day out and I am almost always frustrated by your lack of updates. But I understand why you update as infrequently as you do, because you have someone who, simply put, needs you more than we do.
Your grandfather, if he was of a condition to speak to you, would want you to continue. If he loves you. This is obviously your passion we're talking about here, not just some thing you do to while some time away. THIS MEANS SOMETHING, and it's something I can't quite quantify in terms of readership or hits or web traffic or even page views because that kind of info is INACCESSIBLE to me. Understand this. I DON'T EVEN HAVE AN ASS TO MOCK ME ON AN INTERNET FORUM!
You're famous enough that people on several continents have heard your voice. Some have even done something about it. If nothing else, your writings have and continue to make YOUNG SURFERS THINK about what they're watching, why they're watching it, and how they can make the creators of the crap they're watching know their feelings about the creation.
Besides building a multimillion-dollar R&D facility for your grandfather, there's relatively little you can do for him, aside from what you have already done for him. I don't know your situation, apart from what you wrote about it--but if it has changed for the worse, logic tells me that your very best efforts wouldn't get you that much closer towards turning this particular predicament around.
Jeff, normally your curmudgeonly attitude would be a minus, but it's a plus in this situation. Things can be better. If you stop writing, the rate of improvement will diminish. We all have periods of frustration. When we stop doing what we need to do to advance our cause(s), this is when our cause LOSES. This is when the animators lose. This is when I LOSE.
I know you'll come back to us. In the meantime, know that I won't quit posting on this blog until I know you intend to update WTS and The Bridge. Don't let us go. Don't forget about animation. If you need support, I'll put something together, if I can. But don't let this fall apart, this X-Bridge/Thoughtnami/comics endeavor you've got going for us. Don't leave us. Stay with your grandfather and do your best to make his remaining time on this planet peaceful, at least palatable. But don't forget about us. Don't feel as though you don't have a legacy. Bullshit. My oldest sister's baby is coming in a few months and do you know what I'm going to read to him/her? Your writings (among other things).
Don't do this to us, don't forget about your accomplishments. Don't leave us. Don't leave animation like this.
Don't leave us.
ENOCH
Daikun, Andrew, Robert, Ellen, VWG, Enoch. I thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I know I don't deserve that much praise, but I'm thankful for that and for you all for dealing with me in this brief episode of self-doubt.
Patrick. Patrick, Patrick, Patrick. Ronin, Ronixis, Novid, whatever. I thank you for your thoughts as well. You're everything I strive not to be, and you've pretty much reawakened me, and I thank you.
Why?
Because in your own fashion, you succeeded in showing who you really are, and for that, I smile. You've pretty much knocked me down when I was already at my lowest point. I apologized for what I've done to you for the umpteenth time, and what did you do Patrick?
You act like the southern end of a northward bound moose. You spit out diatribes like they were sunflower seed shells, and they're just as disgusting to look at. You're full of self-hate, self-loathing, and self-disgust. Me? I'm full of self-doubt, but the more I look at myself, what I have done in my nearly three decades in this existance, I've accomplished a lot. It took me a while to see that, but I can see that, and for that, I smile.
Patrick, unlike yourself, I don't hate my race, or, in my case, the race that determined my pigmentation (my paternal side is the decendants of Africans, Greeks, Powhattan, Dutch, and German while my maternal side, which includes my grandfather, is decended from English, West Indians, West African, Irish, Seminole, and Scots). They are who they are, and I am who I am. Although I am aware of the past (I am a descendant of slaves AND slaveowners), I am not guilted nor locked by it. I've formed my own path, walked along many directions, crossed many bridges, and discovered many things along the way.
I am human. I make good decisions and bad ones. I've made a lot of good choices. I've made a lot of bad ones as well. I trusted too many people (I even trusted you a lifetime ago, I truly did, but you used an alias to publicly call me a half-breed and other derogatory names and continue to hide behind monikers to make libelous statements about me and the individuals I associate with; I grew up and stop hiding behind false names a long time ago) and made just as many foes as acquaintances. I've earned the respect of many individuals over the years, including Mr. Beck AND Mr. Amidi, who you've name-dropped in your post, Patrick. I'm not a name-dropper, but I do have a number of animation icons in my address book that could fill a who's who in animation.
I'm not a slave to anybody. I have the right and freedom to talk about anybody I can. Nobody's my boss, as you've claimed. I've made my own path and will continue to do so. I've lived a good, honest life and never got on anybody's bad side. I believe in the golden rule and I live a good life as a result. I've sacrificed a lot in this life, and I know God sees this and He appreciates this. Have you ever sacrificed anything, Patrick? I've sacrificed over five years of my life taking care of my grandfather when no one else would. The careworkers of America are the most underappreciated individuals though they truly do a lot. You know how you can repay your country? SERVE IT IN THE MILITARY!
I apologize for past actions that I regret because I am ashamed that I've done that. I don't apologize because I'm hoping to get an acceptance, because in your case, Patrick, acceptance will never come.
I have started a legacy, as people have already pointed out. Patrick, I think that, in the end, you hate me (let's face it, you hate me for petty, childish reasons, and that's okay. I don't hate you. I never had, and I never will).
And here are some of the reasons why you hate me.
I've created a community of like-minded fans with the help of my friends which became a part of a larger community I've helped build. I've created a pair of sites that some people say is inspiring to them. I just write down what I'm thinking, and if people agree with it, so be it. I've earned a loyal group of readers who understand what I'm going through and will likely stick around long enough to see what happens next. I've helped create a group that educated the world about an then-underappreciated block of shows created by our generation. Yes, I know Toonami has suffered lately, but we've done our part. It's time to remind them we're still around. One day, I'll create a legacy, settling down, create a family, and truly grow up. I've grown a lot over the years, but these last couple of weeks have been taxing on me. But I know who I am. I know what I have to do. I know what I'm going to do. You don't have that confidence nor sense of certainty about yourself, which is why you constantly berate me, try to humiliate me, and try to knock me down, even when I thought I was already out.
In the end, I win. I've already won. I could disappear from the internet forever, but I've already won. I've done more in the last ten years than many folks do in a lifetime. I'm not proud of everything I've done, but there are moments I look and say, wow, I did that. I could look back at 99% of what I've done with pride. I already know God has forgiven me for the things I regret and have apologized for.
And for that, I smile. And I will be back sooner than I thought.