Dec 12, 2007

And For That, I Smile

To my friends and acquaintances at Toon Zone as well as those that posted here at Thoughtnami. I thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I know I don't deserve that much praise, but I'm thankful for that and for you all for dealing with me in this brief episode of self-doubt. My grandfather isn't 100% by any stretch, but he's better today than he was at Thanksgiving. Life is still frustrating, but it's going alright for me, and I have no right to complain.

To Patrick. Patrick, Patrick, Patrick Okeke. Ronin, Ronixis, Novid, whatever. I thank you for your thoughts as well. You're everything I strive not to be, and you've pretty much reawakened me, and I thank you.

Why?

Because in your own fashion, you succeeded in showing who you really are, and for that, I smile. You've pretty much knocked me down when I was already at my lowest point. I apologized for what I've done to you for the umpteenth time, and what did you do Patrick?

You act like the southern end of a northward bound moose. You spit out diatribes like they were sunflower seed shells, and they're just as disgusting to look at. You're full of self-hate, self-loathing, and self-disgust. Me? I'm full of self-doubt, but the more I look at myself, what I have done in my nearly three decades in this existance, I've accomplished a lot. It took me a while to see that, but I can see that, and for that, I smile.

Patrick, unlike yourself, I don't hate my race, or, in my case, the race that determined my pigmentation (my paternal side is the decendants of Africans, Greeks, Powhattan, Dutch, and German while my maternal side, which includes my grandfather, is decended from English, West Indians, West African, Irish, Seminole, and Scots). They are who they are, and I am who I am. Although I am aware of the past (I am a descendant of slaves AND slaveowners), I am not guilted nor locked by it. I've formed my own path, walked along many directions, crossed many bridges, and discovered many things along the way.

I am human. I make good decisions and bad ones. I've made a lot of good choices. I've made a lot of bad ones as well. I trusted too many people (I even trusted you a lifetime ago, I truly did, but you used an alias to publicly call me a half-breed and other derogatory names and continue to hide behind monikers to make libelous statements about me and the individuals I associate with; I grew up and stop hiding behind false names a long time ago) and made just as many foes as acquaintances. I've earned the respect of many individuals over the years, including Mr. Beck AND Mr. Amidi, who you've name-dropped in your post, Patrick. I'm not a name-dropper, but I do have a number of animation icons in my address book that could fill a who's who in animation.

I'm not a slave to anybody. I have the right and freedom to talk about anybody I can. Nobody's my boss, as you've claimed. I've made my own path and will continue to do so. I've lived a good, honest life and never got on anybody's bad side. I believe in the golden rule and I live a good life as a result. I've sacrificed a lot in this life, and I know God sees this and He appreciates this. Have you ever sacrificed anything, Patrick? I've sacrificed over five years of my life taking care of my grandfather when no one else would. The careworkers of America are the most underappreciated individuals though they truly do a lot. You know how you can repay your country? SERVE IT IN THE MILITARY!

I apologize for past actions that I regret because I am ashamed that I've done that. I don't apologize because I'm hoping to get an acceptance, because in your case, Patrick, acceptance will never come.

I have started a legacy, as people have already pointed out. Patrick, I think that, in the end, you hate me (let's face it, you hate me for petty, childish reasons, and that's okay. I don't hate you. I never had, and I never will).

And here are some of the reasons why you hate me.

I've created a community of like-minded fans with the help of my friends which became a part of a larger community I've helped build. I've created a pair of sites that some people say is inspiring to them. I just write down what I'm thinking, and if people agree with it, so be it. I've earned a loyal group of readers who understand what I'm going through and will likely stick around long enough to see what happens next. I've helped create a group that educated the world about an then-underappreciated block of shows created by our generation. Yes, I know Toonami has suffered lately, but we've done our part. It's time to remind them we're still around. One day, I'll create a legacy, settling down, create a family, and truly grow up. I've grown a lot over the years, but these last couple of weeks have been taxing on me. But I know who I am. I know what I have to do. I know what I'm going to do. You don't have that confidence nor sense of certainty about yourself, which is why you constantly berate me, try to humiliate me, and try to knock me down, even when I thought I was already out.

In the end, I win. I've already won. I could disappear from the internet forever, but I've already won. I've done more in the last ten years than many folks do in a lifetime. I'm not proud of everything I've done, but there are moments I look and say, wow, I did that. I could look back at 99% of what I've done with pride.

And for that, I smile. And I will be back sooner than I thought.

1 comment:

Robert Peterson said...

Wow, I didn't know you had African roots or so many other roots for that matter.

Anyway, I'm glad to hear your spirits are up but Toonami isn't going anywhere and there isn't much excitement in the action animation arena these days. Just make sure you take as much time as you need and remember that you have no obligation to anyone at Toon Zone, it is us who have the obligation to give you space and to respect that space.