Still Tired But I'm Trying To Find Myself

 Reading all these articles and stories about Jason Arday.

Yeah, this story hits hard. This story feels familiar. This story feels personal because I've had situations like that.

I'm still going through situations like that.

I understand why what happened to Professor Arday happened, but I don't. It doesn't make sense. It's so unfair. And once again, I don't like the bad guys winning.

I don't like bigots gleeful and openly celebrating the death of a Black scholar.  And these monsters are just absolutely giddy and happy that Professor Arday is no longer alive, and they want to push other Black scholars, writers, and creatives to do the same thing. 

I don't like that another voice has gone to the ancestors long before his time because racist assholes bullied him to the point that he felt that was the path he had to take.

I hate bullies. I hate this.

They broke this man. 

They broke this man, cried crocodile tears to absolve themselves of their complicity in Professor Arday's passing, and still demonize him in death as well as openly question any Black person who's in the kind of position he was in.

And they'll happily break others.

"O.L.N." 

If you know, you know, and if you don't, I won't explain it to you.

Recently, I've been bullied, questioned, and dogpiled on social media and very recently on this platform. People questioning who I am, what I say, why I say it, why I feel the way I feel about it, and daring to comment about it. And when I react, they get belligerent & attack me for doing that.

I wrote a few words when I was at my lowest point because that imposter syndrome/self-doubt beast smacked me hard:

To whom it may concern, 

I don't know who's reading this, but I hope you can take the time to understand where I am mentally, physically, and emotionally.

I'm in a place mentally that I hate being in. I'm not in a place I envisioned myself professionally and socially. I feel like I'm a failure in everything I do.

I have always been insecure about being around people. I have always felt inadequate about everything about me. And I hate that.

I never really shared that about myself. I think that's why at times I feel like I gave up on myself. But I haven't. Not entirely.

I think I need to learn to love myself. I've always had problems doing that in life. That's why I've been so shy and insecure around others.

I think that's why I always felt I didn't deserve love. Even when I did, I felt unworthy of her love. When I lost her, it felt like God was saying "Yeah, you didn't deserve her."

God doesn't do that, but man, I might be learning the wrong lessons from His tests. Seeing what the world is now, maybe He just isn't listening or doesn't care. Both of which sucks.

There is a point to all of this. I think I need a real refresh. I know I need to find myself because right now, I'm lost. I feel hurt, and I don't know what else to do.


Society says that guys aren't supposed to show weakness or be sad. But this feeling really, really sucks, and I had to write it out. It won't mean much, and I don't know what tomorrow will bring. Or the next day. None of us really do. But I need to really refresh and learn to love myself for the first time in my life.

It's tiring.

I didn't break though.

I'm tired, but I didn't break. 

Jason Arday was tired, and they broke him. 

As I said, I understand why, but it still hurts my soul. I'm a Black man reading a story about another Black man who'll never become an old Black man thanks to a digital lynching.

I'm not sugarcoating it. 

This was a digital lynching. 

Every time a Black person shows excitement & love for something they enjoy, people harass & bully them to make them feel less than human, like they don't belong in that space. 

Sometimes, that constant bombardment is too much to bear.

I've seen so many young Black scholars, artists, and fans go through that. Seen way too many stories of them joining the ancestors earlier than they should have, and I've seen the harassers and bullies openly cheering & mocking them in death before moving on to the next fan.

It's digital lynching. I'm just so tired, y'all.

I put myself out there, almost like I was asking the universe to hear my pain and help me find me, give me an answer or a sign that something, someone out there heard me. 

Then, my brain decided to give me guidance and sent me a message of hope:

Everything that happened before now is prologue.
This very moment is Chapter One.
Give yourself permission to start writing it.

 I guess God, the cosmos, my inner self, whatever this force is, does listen because after I wrote the previous post, that message hit me in the head.

Message received.

And that's where I am right now. I'm still not 100%, and to be honest, I don't think I ever will be at that point. But I am trying to love and not be so hard on myself. I'm trying to be the man I was meant to be and find myself in this world that hates me and people who look  like me. 

It's not an easy journey, but it's one I'm taking.

I'm giving myself permission to write Chapter One in my life after denying myself for so long.

It's time. 

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