Burning Out in the Dog Days of Summer

On Monday, June 29, 2026, I blew up online. 

I got bombarded with a bunch of folks just dogpiling on me calling me a "defeatist," a "doomer," and, worst of all, a quitter largely because I felt that The Deal™ being completely undone because of the actions of a few state attorneys general in the United States (yes, that's the term, attorneys general, not attorney generals, but grammar rules are weird in English, so go figure). Apparently, my comparison of the situation to a Hail Mary pass play in the fourth quarter of an American football game when you're at 4th and 30 in your own end zone with two seconds left on the clock went above their heads and constituted as high treason and surrender on my part.

I have to understand that sometimes, certain idioms don't translate well in other languages, some people aren't sports fans, and some folks just want to be loud and angry towards anyone who doesn't subscribe to a super-optimistic viewpoint all the time, especially when there are SO MANY factors that prove otherwise are occurring simultaneously everywhere.

Calling a longshot plan on a state level against something that is not only supported and approved on a national and international level but something that has global ramifications far beyond state borders a long shot should not be a controversial statement, but here we are, folks. It's not surrender by any stretch. It's a fight between a cornered mouse and a tiger that may or may not be made of paper.

Look up "paper tiger" if you don't know the reference.

As I mentioned that day, I'm just tired of explaining my words and what I say to people who are going to be disrespectful or dismissive of me regardless of what I tell them. I've been doing this for nearly 30 years, and yeah, it burned me out. Back in February after The Deal™ was pretty much confirmed, I felt a need to just stop talking about the company as a whole and end a few things for a while. 

I probably should have stayed offline a lot longer back then. Truth be told, I haven't been myself even before that. 

I've been losing faith in a lot of things over the last couple of years. Things and institutions I used to rely on and enjoy are going away or changing to something not worthwhile. Devices I had stopped working. The country I was born and raised in that never really liked people who looked like me is more open about that hatred and seemingly went all-in on that mentality (happy 250th, folks!). 

But those are things and institutions. They always come and go.

People matter more, and when I lost the woman that I devoted a whole decade and my whole heart to, a huge part of me died with her.

I think losing my angel about four and a half years ago in January 2022 was something that started this mental break I'm currently in. Talked about her many times, as recently as January of this year, and I've never really fully recovered from that. Then it just seemed like I had setback after setback after setback creatively, professionally, and physically. It felt like I was cursed. 

God, I hated 2022. 

This is something I talked about over at my Instagram account, and since most folks don't know I have one (don't worry, you're not missing much), I feel like I should repost what I put over there.

For a couple of weeks, I've been having a battle with my head. You ever feel like your brain is lying to you? I feel like mine has been doing that a lot lately, telling be that I'm ugly, untalented, will never amount to anything, and that I should just give it all up. 

All. Up. 

I've never been one for high self-esteem, sadly. I was picked on and bullied in school, constantly rejected in life and love, and felt stuck for the longest time. Ever since I lost my truest love over four and a half years, I've always had this void. 

It sucks. 

But to have your own brain screaming at you hurts too. And add imposter syndrome on top of that when you feel your own creativity is for naught, and you just have to wonder sometimes if your brain maybe isn't lying. But I know it is. I'll be damned if lean into that sadness full-time. 

Though it still hurts. The fact that I know it keeps me here, at least at this moment. 

At least right now.

I think that's why I finally broke. But here's the thing. I feel broken, but I didn't break. I think I just needed a bit of a refresher. I'm just not in a good place mentally right now, but I'm better than I was days ago. 

I'm calmer now, but I just feel... unnecessary, unwanted, and pointless. That's not a good feeling to have, you know? 

Still creating, but today, I'm still fighting. And as long as I still have breath in my lungs, I'll keep doing both.

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